In lieu of resolutions

In lieu of resolutions, below are four questions I’m asking myself at the start of 2015. These questions were inspired by Renee Trudeau’s blog post, which was sent to me by a good friend.

What did I learn about myself in 2014?

I learned that I could overcome fears that I’ve held onto for decades and that I could talk myself through moments of hesitation and even panic. Specifically, I signed up for swim classes at the YMCA and learned to swim properly by putting my face underwater and breathing correctly. On my most recent swim lesson, I swam a full lap of the pool with proper(ish) breathing technique and strokes. Although I could always stay afloat and doggy paddle, I had been afraid of swimming with my head underwater since I was a teenager, and I’m not anymore. What else am I afraid of that I could overcome? Hmmm.

I learned that I am absolutely addicted to writing, even (especially) when it is hard. I can deal with a few months dominated by non-writing tasks, but I am happiest and least anxious when I can move some of those other obligations aside and make writing my #1 priority. However, I also learned that I am almost never willing to get up at 4 a.m. to do so, and I am okay with that.

I learned that I continue to be impulsive and to make major decisions (buying a house, submitting a book proposal) without consulting others … when I’d be much better off if I checked with my trusted mentors first.

I learned that I can recognize the triggers that are likely to send me into a bad place in terms of single-parent despair, and that I can ride through them and emerge on the other side relatively intact.

I learned that I really have broken my bad habits with respect to both dating and friendships, and I am making much better choices now. Wow.

I learned that two days at home alone with P is just about my limit, and that I pretty much hate snow days.

I learned that I now hate flying cross-country (seriously, flying nowadays is a nightmare) and that I need to limit myself to no more than two trips per year, unless there is an emergency.

I learned that I can be gutsy and bold when I need to, and that when I need to, it doesn’t even feel like I’m being gutsy and bold; I’m just being real.

What do I need to embrace, remember and celebrate from 2014 AND what do I need to release and let move on down the river?

I need to embrace and remember what P is like as a 2- and 3-year old. Oh, the joys of his little voice, his sweet and easygoing temperament, his dependence on me and his growing independence. I need to embrace and remember that at this point in his life I am all he needs and wants, and that there is a beauty in that. It will not last forever.

I need to embrace and remember what it feels like to have spent the second part of this year in my cozy little gray house, a place that feels safer, warmer, and happier than anywhere else I have lived in my adult life.

I need to embrace and remember that this year I gave up the resentments about the way my relationship with P’s father ended, and that as a result we are developing a more productive co-parenting relationship that will ultimately be much healthier for P (and me).

I need to embrace and remember all the people who mentored me professionally this year, who helped me grow my networks, and who gave me helpful feedback on my work. So many people have invested in my brain this year, and I feel humbled by their support.

I need to release my anxieties about what seems to be my slower pace of work these days. I keep comparing my productivity to my pre-child life, and I need to just accept that those days are over, for at least another decade or so. Radical acceptance.

What is uniquely mine to do in 2015?

It is uniquely mine to teach in prison. This is something I have wanted to do for many years, and the timing has never been right. The timing is still not exactly right, and yet I recently made some contacts with an appropriate program, so I just might do it anyway.

What do I need to set myself up to be successful in the New Year?

This past year, I found a wonderful babysitter that P adores … and I need to find at least one more. I also need to stop feeling guilty about hiring babysitters in addition to P’s regular daycare. I’m not sure how I will do that (release the guilt, that is), but it is something I need to do.

I need to get out of debt because being in debt makes me deeply anxious and depressed. Since cutting costs isn’t a viable option (daycare bills aren’t going down anytime soon), I need to find ways to increase my income, whether by teaching in the summer (or in prison), giving invited talks, selling things on craigslist, etc.

I need to keep swimming. And walking in the afternoons.

I need to keep writing, every single day.

I need to see my family and my oldest friends for a good long stretch of time.

And now, I need to go to sleep.